so explain again why im purple
no
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
