Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
