either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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