come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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