it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
