i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
