this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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