i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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