i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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