seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
