Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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