i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
