my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
