we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
