and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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