Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
