yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
