oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
