is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
