you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
