dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
