Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
