There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
