I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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