I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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