you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
