I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
