Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
What drink are we having for lunch?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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