She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
