Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
