he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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