this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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