so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
