if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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