wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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