im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
