I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
