i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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