I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
