he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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