I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
