the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Randomize
