I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
