You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He did a backflip because drugs
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