I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
