my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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