Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
