Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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