is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
