and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
In other news, I just burned my penis
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
